The Holy(ish) Bible
DFAV

GENESIS

CHAPTER 1

1 It all started with a bang.  2 There wasn’t any stuff anywhere--heck, there wasn’t any where anywhere, but there was God, who rather wanted there to be. 3 They said, “Let there be light!” and… Bang. 4 Suddenly there was light and with it darkness, and stuff all over the place, and God was rather pleased with Themself. 

5 They started naming things right away.  Where there was mostly light, They called it “day.” Where there was mostly darkness, They called it “night.”   6 With all that stuff to play with, God figured it was a good time to start making things: planets and constellations and magnetic fields and the like. 7 Once They had checked Their math a few times, Earth was determined to be the crowning achievement. 8 This planet They perfectly placed in relation to a star so that shit just might flourish there under an atmosphere called “the sky.” 

9 Next, God created Pangaea. 10 They formed all the Earth together into one spot and foisted all the waters off to another spot, and God was rather pleased with Themself. 11 Once things had cooled off a bit, God started growing plants.  12 It was rough going at first, but patience is a gardener’s tool.  Just look at all the cool plants we have now. 13 They had plenty of time to spare.  

14 God set the Earth to spinning, popping it around the Sun so that things might know a difference between day and night.  15 “We’re gonna need a little more light at night sometimes,” They realized, 16 and broke off a chunk of Pangaea to set it above the Earth. 17 The Moon would reflect the Sun and bring a bit more brightness to the night, for those that preferred it that way.  18 The system wasn’t perfect.  As we all know now, however, life finds a way.  19 God had been working for quite a while at this point.  

20 They wasn’t quite done, of course, so God set to work on the animal kingdom.  21 First it was the air and the seas, making puffer fish and whales and big ol’ sea snakes, flamingos and penguins and pterodactyls and all sorts of other things.  22 They blessed them with libidos and said, “You can make more!” 23 Then They watched for a bit. 

24 Next came the land animals: dinosaurs and wolves and king cobras and armadillos and thousands of other weird looking shit.  25 God looked upon this creation, and was quite pleased with Themself. 26 Last came the people, to whom God granted dominion over the planet, to do with mostly as they pleased.  27 God created people to be like Them, able to think and create. 28 God offered a blessing to the humans. “Be fruitful and multiply,” They said with a wink, “and enjoy your mastery over the animals and all living things.  29 You may eat almost anything, and cooking is going to be a blast.  30 The animals may eat the plants as they please, as well.”

31 God looked again upon all They had created, and was really, extraordinarily pleased with Themself.  The timeline may be a little off. All this took several billion years, of course, but it felt like just under a week to God.  Time’s funny when You’re infinite.

CHAPTER 2

1 Once the planet and the whole life-creation process was finished, 2 God decided They had earned a break.  3 They declared the seventh day of each week a special time for rest, in honor of all They had achieved. 

4 Now, in that time before man walked were millenia between the heavens and the Earth.  5 God grew Their plants from nothing, before there was even such a thing as motorized tillers or rain.  6 A light morning mist provided the ground with all the moisture it needed.  7 Then God pulled stardust from the soil to form humanity, and breathed life into the first person.  8 This human They placed in the east, where They had planted a garden in Eden, 9 a garden filled with every beautiful and delicious plant.  And in this garden were two particular trees: the Tree of Life and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.  

10 To water the flora, God sent a great, gushing river out of Eden which broke into four smaller rivers as it left the garden.  11 The first river, known as Pison, flowed around the entire land of Havilah, 12 a place of gold, bdellium, and onyx. 13 The second river, Gihon, wound its way throughout the land of Kush.  14 Hiddikel, the third river, looped around Assyria, and the fourth river was the Euphrates.  

15 The human was charged with keeping the garden.  16 ”Enjoy all that there is,” said God, 17 “but do not eat fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, because then you will simply have to die.”  18 Then God realized that a single human might need help managing a garden of basically every plant ever created.  19 They commanded every creature that lived to show itself to the human, so that it might be assigned a name.  20 Every living creature presented itself accordingly, livestock or wild animal.  None were deemed suitable to fit the human’s needs. 

21 Finally God forced the human into a deep, unbreakable sleep to perform a simple surgery.  22 Stealing the rib from the first person provided Them with the raw material needed to build a second human.  23 Then They maneuvered bones and flesh to make genitals, even though They damn well knew it was going to be a problem eventually.  24 Thus was the first couple brought into being, Eve and Adam.  25 They were both naked all the time, but that wasn’t so unusual back then.

CHAPTER 3

1 Of all the creatures that resided in the garden, none was craftier than a serpent of particular sneakiness, who sought out the woman to ask, “Did God really tell you not to eat of any of the fruit in this garden you tend?” 

2 ”We can eat of any fruit we please,” replied the woman, 3 ”but They warned us not to eat from or even touch the fruit of the tree in the center of the garden, as it would kill us dead.”

4 The serpent rolled his eyes.  “It won’t kill you. 5 God just knows that this particular fruit would blow your mind more than They’d like, and open your eyes to the true concepts of good and evil.  Then you would be like God. You’d probably be a God. Or better than one.” 

6 The woman ate some of the fruit, and it was an awesome, delicious, head tripping experience that she could not wait to share with her partner, who partook with pleasure.  7 With their third eyes thoroughly opened and polished clean, the couple realized that they wanted some clothes. Thus the first runway show was created using a garden path and a collection of fig leaves.  8 When they heard God mulling about in the garden, the party broke up quickly.

9 ”Where are you?” They called out.

10 The couple came forward with their heads hung in shame.  11 Taking note of their clumsy first attempts at fashion, God asked, “How did you even realize you were naked in the first place?”

12 The man blamed the woman. 13 The woman blamed the serpent. 14 God was plenty pissed. They cursed the serpent, saying, “You shall slither as a snake in the grass forever more.  15 All humankind shall hate your kind.  You’ll bite their heels, like the bastard you are, and they’ll kill you en masse.”  16 They told Eve, “Your punishment shall be great pain in childbirth, for you shall feel sorrow when you bear children.”  17 Then God turned to the man. “You shall no longer have leisure in this world.  I told you not to eat of that tree. The ground you till is now cursed. 18 Thorny bushes and inedible plants will grow in the wild, and food will grow only through your own painful effort.  19 When you die, you shall crumble to dust.”  20 They took this tree business very seriously indeed.

21 God made the couple some better clothes from a pair of animal skins.  22 They knew, of course, that the serpent had been correct in his assessment of the Tree of Knowledge, and that the humans must quickly be sent from the garden in Eden, lest they next reach for the fruit of the Tree of Life and attain eternity.  23 So God sent Their children out into the wild, 24 leaving an angel wielding a sword of flame to block their path back to the only home they had ever known.

CHAPTER 4

1 Being expected to help jump start a global population is quite a lot of responsibility, and their first boy, Cain, was a bit of a disappointment.  2 Their second child was his brother, Abel.  Cain worked in the fields. Abel was better with livestock.  3 One day, Cain brought an offering of his work efforts before God: a smattering of fruits and vegetables. 4 That day God was also offered some choice fat sheep from Abel, which They favored. 

5 God was so clearly displeased with Cain’s offering that Cain turned irritable from embarrassment.  6 God asked, “What’s the problem, Cain?  7 Bring me something worthy of a god and I shall enjoy it.  Otherwise, stop moping around like this is the best you can do.”

8 Cain and Abel walked in the field and talked, but Cain’s rage overtook him and he murdered his younger brother.  9 When God asked him where Abel had gone, Cain said, “How am I to know?”  

10 But God replied, “I know you killed him, idiot.  I’m God. 11 You have sullied the ground you work with the blood of your own brother.  I curse the ground from you. 12 Nothing shall grow for you again.  You will wander the Earth as a fugitive and a scoundrel.”

13 Cain begged, as God knew he would.  14 ”All who know of my curse will try to kill me!”

15 ”No,” said God, “they will know My mark upon you, and anyone who harms you shall be punished.”

16 Cain wandered further east to settle in the land of Nod, where he found some more humans.  17 He married a woman and had a child named Enoch.  Then he built a city, which he also named Enoch. Cain really liked the name Enoch.  18 Enoch gave Cain a grandson named Irad who gave him a great-grandson named Mehujael who gave him a great-great-grandson named Methushael who gave him a great-great-great-grandson named Lamech.

19 Lamech figured that the definition of marriage was pretty up in the air so early in human history, so he married two women, Adah and Zillah.  20 Adah gave him two sons.  Jabal would come to be considered the father of tent-dwellers and ranchers.  21 Jubal would be seen as the father of roving troubadours.  22 Through Zillah, Lamech fathered Tubal-Cain, an iron-worker, and Naamah.  23 One day Lamech declared, “I have murdered a man in self defense.  24 I should have ten times the protection that God offered Cain.”  It is unclear if charges were ever brought against him. 

25 Back out west, Adam and Eve eventually conceived a replacement baby, Seth. 26 In time, Seth had a son of his own, named Enosh, and then people began to cry out in God’s name.  It was a pretty rough time.

CHAPTER 5

1 Now, the first few generations were made from heartier stock than this modern batch, having been first shaped in the image of God.  2 ”Humans” they were called, and blessed with longevity.  3 Eve and her husband were 130 when Seth was born, 4 and they lived centuries after that, fruitfully multiplying as much as possible.  5 Adam didn’t die until he was 930.  

6 Seth was 105 when his son, Enosh, came into the world.  7 Seth also had a litany of progeny, 8 and passed away at 912.  9 Seth’s grandson, Kenan, was born when Enosh was 80, 10 again the first of several.  11 Enosh met many of his grandchildren before dying at 905.  12 At 70, Kenan saw the birth of Mahaleel.  13 He made it another eight-hundred-and-forty years 14 before croaking at 910.  15 Mahaleel started early, producing Jared when he was just 65-years-young.  16 He made it a few more centuries, 17 dying after a fully lived 895 years.  18 Jared was a bit of a late bloomer.  His first son, Enoch, was born when he was 162.  19 Enoch was given a plethora of sisters and brothers to contend with 20 before Jared passed away 800 years later. 

21 Enoch also started early, begatting Methusalah at 65.  22 He had less time to get his procreation on, however, because he was particularly favored by God.  They hung out a lot. 23 In total, Enoch only lived 365 years on Earth before simply disappearing.  24 God just took him away.

25 Methusalah fathered a son, Lamech, when he was 187.  26 He produced many other sons and daughters 27 before his death at 969.  28 Lamech’s first son was born when Lamech was 182-years-old.  29 Noah, he was called, and everyone just knew he was going to be important one day.  30 Noah had other siblings, of course, though things weren’t going to work out so well for them.  31 Lamech died when he was 777.  32 Noah had three sons--Shemp, Ham, and Zeppo--by the time he was 500-years-old.

CHAPTER 6

1 People began to fill the Earth, and as daughters and sons were born to them, 2 the angels of God found them beautiful and took them at will.  3 God said, “I cannot stay on Earth forever.  These humans are mere mortals, and should live no more than 120 years.”  4 The children of God’s angels and the humans were called Nephilim, and they were giants, the heroes of legends.  

5 Eventually, God started to feel that the populace of the planet had turned just too terribly wicked since leaving the garden. 6 They began to regret ever making humans in the first place.  7 Eventually They decided to do away with all of it; humans, plants, animals, birds--everything must go.  8 Yet there was Noah.

9 Noah was a decent sort of guy, and God actually liked him quite a lot.  10 Noah also had three children whom he loved.  11 When God finally reached a tipping point, They derided the totality of humankind for being vicious, cruel, and 12 consumed by their physical desires.  13 They came to Noah with infinite wisdom but zero sense of irony, saying “The people of Earth have become far too violent.  It is time to destroy them all. 14 I want you to build a boat out of gopher wood, coated inside and out with tar.  15 Build it L300 x W50 x H30 cu.  Make a blueprint, I don’t want to go over this twice. 16 Add an extra cubit for the roof, and put a window in it.  Put a single door in the side, and three full decks. 17 I’m about to make it rain out here, and everything not on that boat when the deluge starts is d-e-a-d.  18 We’ll start with you and your family.  Your kids can bring their wives, too, to build up the human population 19 but other than that, we’re starting over with two of everything.  20 Creepies, crawlies, birdies, and mammals, we’ll bring two of everything for re-population purposes.  The fish should be fine. 21 And bring whatever food you like to eat, enough to feed you all for a while.”  22 Noah did as he was told.

CHAPTER 7

1 Once Noah had built the boat to God’s desired specifications, They returned with some adjusted numbers. “Get your family onto the boat.  2 You’re taking seven pairs of each clean animal, but only a single pair of each unclean animal.  3 All birds count as clean animals.  4 You’ve got seven days.  The water’s going to fall for forty days and nights after that, and everything not on this boat becomes fish food.” 5 Noah did as he was told, 6 as he had for six centuries of life.

7 Noah got his family on board first, obviously, 8 but the animals came quickly.  9 Two by two they approached, just as God had commanded.  10 A week later the flood came.  

11 Noah was six hundred years, two months, and sixteen days old the first time it ever rained, and boy, how the bottom fell out.  12 True to God’s word, it lasted for 40 straight days and nights. 13 Noah, Shemp, Ham, and Zeppo gathered together with their wives on that first day, in awe.  14 Here they were with thousands of animals, animals of every kind.  15 They breathed life within while everything drowned without.  16 God had closed the door Themself. 

17 The seafarers floated safely along as the waters rose higher.  18 The entire surface of our planet was covered by water, 19 even the highest mountains, and Noah’s boat continued to float.  20 At its highest point, the water was 15 cubits higher than the tallest mountain on Earth. 

21 Everything outside did drown, of course, be it wild, domesticated, or human.  22 Everything died.  23 It was all trashed and scrubbed away, like a science experiment that doesn’t do what you want it to do but leaves a mess everywhere.  All except Noah and his ilk, that is. 24 It stopped raining at the appointed time, but it was 150 days before the waters receded.

CHAPTER 8

1 Eventually, God decided it was time to start things off fresh, so They blew a wind across the world to push the waters back.  2 The oceans gathered back together.  3 Roughly five months after the rains ended, land reappeared above the waves.  4 On the seventeenth day of the seventh month, Noah’s boat banked itself near the top of Mount Ararat.    

5 The water drew back further and further.  By the tenth month of their captivity, the rest of the mountains had started to become visible.  6 A couple of weeks into the eleventh month, Noah opened the window he had built into the roof.  7 He first set loose a raven, which wandered back and forth from the boat at its leisure.  8 Next he sent out a dove.  9 When the dove returned to him that night, he took it in and placed it away.  10 Seven days later he sent it out again.  11 This time, it returned with an olive branch.  The world was returning. 12 Seven days after that, he sent the dove out one last time, and it didn’t need to return.  It had found a nesting ground.  

13 On the first day of the first month of his 601st year, Noah opened the door to his boat to have a look at the ground before him.  14 On the 27th day of the second month, Earth was back to normal, at least with regards to its land mass.  

15 Finally God came to Noah.  16 ”Take your family out of here,” They said.  17 ”Let’s try this again.  One more time, with feeling.  All of you, and all the animals.  Go forth. Fuck as often as you can, and study math. It’s gonna be super important soon.” 

18 They all left the boat that very day.  19 Every animal went forward, one after the other, into the new world.  20 Noah claimed one of each clean animal to burn in sacrifice to God.  21 When They smelled the meat, it was very pleasing.  God decided right then and there that, no matter what, They would never destroy the world like that ever again, no matter how evil Their creations turned.  22 ”So long as the world remains,” They sighed, “I shall never send a flood like that again.”

CHAPTER 9

1 God came to Noah and his family to announce, “It’s up to you all to repopulate the Earth.  2 I know it’s a lot to take on.  We’ve got several thousand years of catching up to do.  The animals are yours to command as you please now.  3 Eat them, if you like.  Eat the plants, if you like.  4 I have been working on a few rules--just some little things to keep everyone in line.  First off, eat your meat well done. I don’t want to see blood on your plates. 5 Your blood is mine.  The blood of every animal is mine.  6 If any man kills another man, kill that man in return, because he spilled my blood.  7 Now go on, and get to making babies.  We’ve got a world to repopulate!”

8 Later They returned to say, “I may have acted a little harshly when I destroyed the world last year.  9 I promise you all, I will not do that again.  10 That was probably a bit much to dole out to every living creature. 11 This I vow before Me and man, I shall never flood the Earth again.”   

12 As a representation of Their vow, 13 God placed a rainbow in the sky.  “Look for these 14 when the rain clouds come,” They told the people.  15 ”We shall remember this covenant between us, and man must needs never fear the flooding of the Earth again.  16 Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember My promise.  17 It will be My sign.”

18 Now, Noah had three sons: Shemp, Zeppo, and Ham, 19 who were tasked with the replenishment of the global supply of humans.  20 Noah himself set about planting the first vineyard.  21 Some time later he got pretty well sloshed on his own supply, and passed out naked in his tent.  22 When Ham found his father, he got all giggly and made jokes about it to his brothers, who did not see the humor in the situation.  23 Shemp and Zeppo covered their dad up with a blanket, taking care not to check out his junk.  24 When Noah found out, he was furious.  25 As a punishment, he placed a curse Ham’s youngest son, Canaan.  ”Canaan will from now on be a slave in our house,” said Noah. 26 ”Blessed will be Shemp, and Canaan will be his slave.  27 Zeppo will abide with Shemp, and Canaan will be his slave as well.”

28 Noah lived another three and a half centuries after the flood.  29 He died at 950.

CHAPTER 10

1 Here is written the genealogy of mankind immediately following the flood.  

2 Zeppo had seven sons: Gomer, Magog, Madai, Java, Tubular, Meseeks, and Tiaras.  3 Gomer himself had three: Ashkenaz, Ripclaw, and Torgamah.  4 Java produced Elisham, Tardis, Kitty, and Rodan.  5 These descendants of Zeppo peopled the waterways of the world, creating their own cultures, languages, and nations.  

6 In addition to Canaan the Cursed, Ham also fathered Put, Egypt, and Kush.  7 Kush had several children, including Havilah, Sabtah and Sabteca, Seba, and Raamah who would be the father of Sheba and Dedan.  8 Kush also was the father of Nimrod, the first world renowned warrior.  9 Nimrod was such a mighty hunter that people often called him “Nimrod the Mighty Hunter.”  They were a simple people. It was a simple time.   

10 Nimrod began his kingdom in Babel, Erech, Akkad, and Kalneh in the land of Shinar.  11 From there he branched out into Assyria, and Rojaboth, and Calah.  He founded the city of Nineveh 12 and the larger city of Resen between Nineveh and Calah.  

13 Egypt begat Lou, Anna, Lehab, Naphtuhim, 14 Patty, Cappy, and Cassy (who’s progeny became the Philistines).  

15 Canaan the Cursed did well for himself, despite his grandfather’s unreasonable anger displacement.  His firstborn son was Sidon, 16 and among his descendants were counted Heth, Jebus, Amor, Girga, 17 Hivi, Arkite, Sin, 18 Aardvark, Zamir, and Hamath.  The Canaanites spread around quick.  19 Their territory covered an area from Sidon through Gaza, going on past Sodom and Gomorrah and all the way out towards Lasha.  20 Such was the spread of Ham’s lineage on through the ages.  

21 Shemp also had many children, including 22 Elam, Abraxus, Ash, Arri, and Lud.  23 Arri would go on to father Uz, Hel, Meseeks, and Gunther.  24 Abraxus was the father of Sallah and the grandfather of Eber.  25 Eber had two sons.  They were Peleg (so named for the splitting of Pangea during his time) and Joktan.  26 Joktan’s children were Al, Shelly, Hazar, Jorah, 27 Haddie, Uzal, Dikkie, 28 Opal, Abby, Sheba, 29 Opie, Havilah, and Jo-Babs.  30 Through these were born the hill people of Sephar, 31 the descendants of Shemp.  32 These were the people who repopulated the planet after God’s dramatic temper tantrum.

CHAPTER 11

1 In the beginning all of humankind was of one language and culture.  2 As they ventured east, they discovered the land of Shinar and settled there, 3 where they developed brick-making and developed their skills at construction.  4 The people there became determined to build the highest tower ever built, one that could reach all the way into the heavens.  

5 This troubled God mightily, though whether because They didn’t want company or because They knew outer space would kill them, we may never know.  6 Nevertheless, God was fully aware that humans working together would be capable of accomplishing any challenge they set before themselves, 7 so They he decided to make life a bit more difficult by scrambling the language centers of their brains around.  8 Unable to understand one another, the people abandoned their project and scattered further across the world.  9 The city where the language barrier was created came to be called Babel in honor of the confusion wrought there.  

10 Here now is a further accounting of Shemp’s lineage.  Abraxus was born a mere two years following the Great Flood, 11 and Shemp lived a full five hundred years after that.  12 Sallah was born when Abraxus was 35, 13 so he had time to make lots of other children in his remaining 403 years.  14 Abraxus was 65 when his grandson, Eber, was born to Sallah, 15 the first of Sallah’s many.  Sallah died at 433.  

16 And on and on it went through the generations.  Eber started having children at 34, with Peleg, 17 dying when he was only 464.  18 Peleg had a son in his thirtieth year, Rue, 19 but Peleg’s offspring wasn’t so long lived as most.  He didn’t even make it to 250. 20 Rue’s first child, Serrug, was born when he was in his early thirties.  21 Rue died at 239, just like his father.  22 Namor, the child of Serrug, had two hundred years to spend with his father 23 before Serrug passed away at the age of 230.  24 Namor was Terra’s dad, though at 29 he was a bit young for the responsibility.  25 Namor died very young, only 148, surrounded by his many children.  

26 Terra waited until he was in his seventies to start procreating, and his children were named Abram, Narwhale, and Harry.  27 Harry eventually fathered Lot.  28 Harry resided in Ur, where he had been born, and died early, even being out-lived by his own father.  

29 Before he passed, Harry had two daughters, Iska and Mishka.  Mishka eventually married her Uncle Narwhale. Abram also took a wife, a lovely lady named Sarai, 30 though they were unable to conceive children. 31 In time, Terra decided he would like to live in Canaan, so he left Ur along with Abram and Sarai and his grandson Lot.  On the path they found a place they like just well enough. They settled there, naming the land Harran after Lot’s father.  32 Terra died when he was 205 years old.

CHAPTER 12

1 God came to Abram with a plan already in mind.   “Leave this place and go where I tell you to,” They said, 2 ”and I will build a great nation through you and your children.  3 I will love those who love you.  I will hate those who hate you. Your people will make the world a better place.”  4 This all sounded pretty good to Abram, who gathered up his family and possessions and set out at once. 

They traveled into Canaan, 5 which was still well and fully populated by Canaanites, up to a large oak tree named Moreh.  6 It was there that God told Abram that the land of Canaan would eventually be given to his descendants.  7 Abram built an altar near the great tree in Shekem and gave thanks to his God.  8 From there he moved his people on to make camp for a while in the hills between Bethel and Hai where, also, he built an altar to God.  9 Thus did their journey continue, stop by stop, until they reached Negev.  

10 One year, a terrible famine came on the land, so Abram took his family to live in Egypt where food was more plentiful.  11 As they were coming into the country, Abram took his wife, who was extremely beautiful, aside with a warning.  12 ”If the Egyptians know you are my wife, one of them will absolutely murder me to claim you as their own.  13 While we are here, we’ll just pretend that you are my sister.  Then they will keep me alive to keep you happy.” 14 It wasn’t a great plan, true, but Abram wasn’t entirely wrong either.  15 They had barely made it to court before Sarai was taken for the Pharaoh.  

16 Abram was indeed treated well by the Pharaoh and his minions, who made certain that Abram stayed rich and well fed at the behest of Sarai.  17 God, however, had very little patience for the local ruler making time with Their best guy’s wife, so They inflicted the court with myriad diseases.  18 When the Pharaoh realized what was happening, he summoned Abram before him for chastisement.  “Why did you lie to me about this?” he asked. “Look at us, you prick! 19 You told me she was your sister!  I would never have taken her from you had I known she was your wife!  Get the hell out of Egypt, the both of you, today!” 20 Pharaoh’s soldiers cleared the way for Abram and Sarai as they headed home with all of their new riches.

CHAPTER 13

1 Sarai and Abram gathered their family together and headed back to Negev, 2 happily basking in their accumulated wealth.  3 Abram traveled back through the hills outside Hai and Bethel 4 to the place where he had built his first altar and given thanks to God.  

5 Now, Lot had been traveling all of this time with his aunt and uncle, acquiring a whole host of livestock, employees, slaves, and camp followers all his own.  6 It got where there simply was not enough space in the settlement to accommodate both groups.  7 Fights would often break out between Lot’s ranch hands and Abram’s cattle herders, as well as with the Canaanites and the Perrizites who also still populated the area.  8 It was Abram who first suggested they separate the groups.  

“Our people should not be fighting,” he told Lot.  “We are all family.” 9 Abram showed Lot all of the land surrounding their camps.  “Separate your herds and hands from mine, and you can claim any area that you would like for you and yours.”

10 Lot knew the plains of Jordan to be rich in resources, so he claimed it as his own and 11 moved his people there, in the east. 12 Abram continued to reside in Canaan, while Lot settled in the plains near Sodom, 13 a city of surpassing wickedness.  

14 After Lot had departed, God came to Their friend, Abram, with a gift.  “Look out here,” They said. “This is your kingdom. Everything the light touches 15 shall belong to you and your progeny for all time.  16 Your children, your children’s children, your children’s children’s children, and on and on forever.  Your offspring will be as numerous as dust particles in the air. 17 Go and journey through the land, for it is yours from now on.”  18 So Abram did as he was instructed and wandered through his lands, eventually making camp in Hebron where he built an altar for God in the plains of Mamre.

CHAPTER 14

1 In that day, as now, kings were ever jealous of their power.  The rulers of Shinar, Ellasar, and Goyiim allied with Elam 2 to make war against Sodom, Gamorrah, Admah, Zebo, and Zoar.  3 The latter group had gathered together in the valley of Siddim, near the Dead Sea.  4 Twelve years had they been subject to King Chalamander of Elam, yet they rose up against him in the thirteenth.  

5 In the fourteenth year of his reign, Chalamander rode down against them with the forces he had mustered, sweeping through any city-state in his path.  At Ashteroth-Karnaim, they conquered the Rephaelites, then took on the Zuzimites of Ham and the Eminems of Shavah-Kirithaim.  6 The Horites, who lived in the hills of Seir out towards the desert, fell to their forces, 7 and then the peoples of Kadesh, Amalek, Amor, and Hazelzoo-Tamar in turn.  

8 The battle he chased was found in the valley near the salt sea.  King Bera of Sodom, King Bersha of Gamorrah, King Shina of Admah, King Shemeber of Zebo, and King Bella of Zoar rallied their people 9 against Chalamander and the marshalled strength of King Tidal of Goyiim, King Amraphael of Shinar, and King Aurochs of Ellasar--five kings v. four kings, the battle of a century. 

10 When rebellious forces broke against their former rulers, the Sodomites and the Gamorrans were the first to retreat.  Many of their men and provisions were lost in the tar pits of Siddim.  Others fled towards the mountains. 11 The winners eagerly helped themselves to the fallen soldiers’ war spoils, dividing the lot up amongst the four kings who had come together.  12 In the process, they kidnapped Lot and all his people, who were still living near Sodom. 

13 One who escaped the attack went to Abram, who was living near the lands of Mamre the Amorite and his brothers, Eshkal and Anus.  14 Abram was terribly displeased to learn of Lot’s captivity, so he set out against them with 318 of his best warriors.  15 Under cover of night, Abram’s forces split and routed the assembled armies of Chalamander, chasing them up north of Damascus.  16 Eventually, Abram was able to locate Lot and free him along with all of his people and property.  

17 On his return, the new king of Sodom met with Abram in the Valley of Kings.  18 King Melchizedek of Salem, who was a high priest of God, came to them and offered a blessing.  19 ”Blessed is Abram, who is a friend to our God,” he began, 20 ”and most blessed is God our creator, who has delivered us our enemies.”  Abram offered the priest a tithe of all his battle won valuables.  

21 The king of Sodom asked of Abram, “Please deliver us back our people, but you may keep any property that you won,” 22 but Abram rebuked him.

“I have promised God 23 that I would take nothing that belonged to Sodom. You won’t be telling anyone that I have enriched myself off of your people. 24 We claim only what our soldiers have already eaten, plus the share owed to my allies Mamre, Eshkal, and Anus.”

 CHAPTER 15

1 When his wars were done, Abram was visited by God in a vision.  God said, “Fear not, Abram, for I am protecting you.  Your rewards will be magnificent.”

2 Abram responded, “What will you give me, God?  My only heir is Eliezer, 3 a slave born in my household, for I have fathered no children of my own blood.”

4 ”You will indeed have children of your own blood.  That one will not inherit your house,” said God, who had not yet warmed up to the idea of a mixed family.  5 ”If you could count the stars in the sky, you might have an idea of how many descendants you will yet have.”  6 Abram trusted God’s word, and that just made God like him more.  7 ”I have brought you to this land so that you may claim it as your own.”

8 ”How am I to know what is all mine?” asked Abram.

9 God required of Abram a very specific recipe.  “Bring to me one heifer, one goat, and one ram, each three years old.  I’ll also require one turtledove, no age restriction, and a reasonably young pigeon.”

10 Abram brought the requested offering, slicing all but the birds in half before he laid them out.  11 When vultures descended on the carcasses, Abram drove them off.  12 As the sun fell, Abram drifted into a dark, deep, tumultuous sleep.  

13 ”Know this,” came the voice of God.  “Your descendants shall serve as slaves in a nation that is not their own.  They will be strangers in a strange land and be oppressed for four centuries, 14 but I will eventually bring ruin down upon their captors and your children will be all the better for it.  15 You, Abram, will be blessed with many years and be buried in your homeland.  16 In four generations, your seed will return, as well, for the Amorites are not yet finished being wicked.”

17 In the night, Abram used a torch to burn his offerings.  18 That next day, God sealed Their pact with Abram, promising that one day his offspring would lay claim to all the lands from the river of Egypt all the way to the great river of Euphrates, 19 and reign over all the peoples of the Kenites, Kenizzites, Kadmonites, 20 Hittites, Perrizites, Raphaelites, 21Amorites, Canaanites, Gurgleshites, and Jebuscreebusites.  

CHAPTER 16

1 Abram was unable to get his wife pregnant, and Sarai assumed she was to blame.  She took a slave of her own, an Egyptian girl named Hagar, 2 and offered the girl to Abram to make a sex-slave, saying, “I can just keep any children she has as my own.”  Abram saw no glaring problems with this course of action.  3 A decade in Canaan may have hindered his own moral compass somehow.  We’ll never really know.  4 When the rape did indeed leave Hagar with child, she became hateful towards her owner.  

5 Sarai and Abram began to fight over the girl.  

“That ungrateful cretin!” said Sarai.  “This is all your fault, really, Abram.  One little rape, and the girl has become nothing but spiteful.  You’d think she was going to have to claim the child.”  

6 Abram, who had little patience for his wife’s prattling on the matter, dismissed her.  “She is your slave, woman.  Do with her as you wish, but leave me out of it.”

So Sarai did to Hagar as she wished, and Hagar fled in terror.  7 An angel of God found her on the road to Shur, sitting by a wellspring. 

8 ”Where do you come from?
Where do you go?
Where do you come from,
Cotton-Eyed Hagar?” it sang. The tune probably rhymed better in the original tongue.  

“I’m leaving that bitch in the past,” said Hagar.

9 The angel had other plans.  “If you return to your captors,” it told Hagar, 10 ”we will see to it that your generations multiply into a people so great as to be innumerable, 11 all from this child, whose name should be Ishmael.  God has heard your cries.  12 Understand this, though: the kid is going to be a bit of a prick, no two-ways about it, always scraping and fighting, at odds with everyone.  Still, though.  Multitudes to come and all that.”

13 ”El-Roi!” exclaimed Hagar—basically, “God who sees me.”  The angel, who knew exactly what to do if someone asked it if it were a god, never corrected her.  14 That’s why the well, which is still there today, nestled between Kadesh and Bered, is called Beers-for-El-Roi.  Raise a glass for slavery.

15 Hagar returned.  She gave birth to Ishmael 16when Abram was 86 years old. 

CHAPTER 17

1 Thirteen years after Ishmael’s birth, God came to Abram with a bizarre command.  

“I like you Abram.  You’re very… worshipful of me.  Take a walk with me,” They started, innocently enough.  2 ”I want to make a pact with you, and your generations to come.  A Super Unbreakable Double Promise between me and you, right now.”  3 Abram was so taken aback by this unusual turn of events that he tripped and fell flat on his face, but God plowed right on, heedless. 4 “My part of the promise will be this: your children shall number in the multitudes.  5 Also, I’m going to need you to change your name.  Abram is so stodgy.  You’re going to be Abraham from now on.  6 Abraham.  It’s a fitting name for the ancestor of so many countries and kings, don’t you think?  This is the promise that I will make to you, Abraham.   7 I make this promise to you and your generations, forever-and-ever-amen, and they will worship me as you do.  8 I’ll give you this land you live in, Canaan.  It’s going to belong to you and your descendants forever, and they will all worship Me.  That’s the promise.”  

9 It was a bit much to take all at once, and then the other shoe dropped.  God continued, “As for your part of the bargain... 10 I’m going to need you guys to slice a piece, just a small section, off of every man’s penis.  The foreskins.  Unseemly things.  11 I don’t want to see them.  We’ll call it “circumcision” and make it a sign of our covenant.  12 This is from now on, understand.  Every boy born, when he’s eight days old I want that dick skin clipped.  Forever.  13 And not just the children.  I want you to mutilate your slaves, too.  If there is any man who lives in your household at all?  Clip that dick skin.  If I start seeing a bunch of uncut foreskin down here, I’m going to be well and truly pissed.  14 In fact, any male who doesn’t get a piece of his dick cut off, we’re going to cut him off from his entire family and society.  That’s the deal.  That’s the Super Unbreakable Double Promise.  15 Oh, and also I’m changing Sarai’s name to Sarah.  Can you explain that to her for me?  16 Just tell her I’m going to give her a son, and then all that jazz we just went over about being the ancestor of kings.  I’m sure she’ll be fine with it.”

17 Abraham was incredulous.  “God, man, I’m about to be 100.  Sarai, sorry, Sarah is pushing 90.  Are you really going to have us raise another kid?  18 What about Ishmael?” 

19 ”No, no, no, this is about you and Sarah.  You’re going to have another kid--I want to call this one Isaac.  He’s the one I’m making the Super Unbreakable Double Promise about, 20 but Ishmael is going to be fine.  He’s going to have 12 sons, princes all, and his descendants will also be numerous.  21 But the Super Unbreakable Double Promise is about Isaac.  It’s going to be fine.  I’m sure everyone will be fine with it.”  22 Then God left abruptly, as gods are wont to do.  

23 Abraham went home and did as They had bid.  24 Abraham was ninety-nine, 25 Ishmael only thirteen, 26 and both their dicks bled that very day. 27 Then Abraham set the knife on his slaves. 

CHAPTER 18

1 It was a gloriously hot day in Mamre’s oak grove, and Abraham was enjoying the breeze  2 when three strangers approached his tent.  Sensing their divinity, he approached immediately in fit of servitude.  3 ”Come over, if it pleases you.  Join me, and be friends,” he called.  4 ”Enjoy some water, wash yourselves and rest a bit.  5 We can have some food prepared, if you’re hungry.”   The men accepted graciously.  

6 Abraham shouted into the tent at his wife, “Make up some bread, woman!  We’ve got visitors!”  Then he hurried down to select a calf for supper.  7 After his wife and slaves had prepared everything to his liking, 8 Abraham served the guests himself, laying out a decent spread of cheese curds, meat, and milk.  

9 ”Where is Sarah?” asked one of the men.  

“Inside the tent.”

10 ”When I come back through here next year, she’ll be holding her firstborn son,” said one of the gentlemen.  

Sarah, who had been listening to all the jibber-jabber from inside the tent, 11 was altogether too aware that her and her husband’s child-bearing years were some time behind them.  12 She chuckled to herself, “Not bloody likely.”

13 God became agitated and revealed Themself to Their servant.  “Why did Sarah laugh about that?  14 I’m God, bitches.  I can do anything.  I say again, when I come back next year, she’ll be toting around her very own child.”  15 Sarah, understandably terrified that she may have insulted her deity, tried to claim that she hadn’t laughed, but God was a god and so knew the truth.

16 After their meal, God and his entourage started towards Sodom.  Abraham followed along behind to see them off.  17 God turned to the angels, asking, “Should I tell Abraham what we’re up to on this trip?  18 I like Abraham.  I like his family, and I like that he worships Me pretty damn faithfully.  19 I like that he trusts me to keep My word with him.  I’m gonna tell him.”  God let Abraham catch up with the party before They laid it all out on the line. 

20 ”Basically, the situation is this: things have gotten flat out nasty in Sodom and Gamorrah.  We’ve been seeing all sorts of things in Our records.  Sinning.  Flagrant sinning, and a total lack of repentance.  21 Frankly, the reports have been so damning I can’t help but do an in-person investigation.  I have to know for Myself.”  

22 Now, Abraham had heard stories of the Great Flood, and he was suddenly very nervous.  The angels walked on while he paused to speak to God.  23 “What are You planning to do?” he asked.  “Wipe out the entire city?  24 Even if there are only 50 decent souls in the whole place, should the righteous die for the sins of the wicked?  25 That doesn’t sound very God-like, if you ask me.”

26 ”If I find 50 good people in both cities combined, I’ll be pretty well shocked, but I would spare the region for their sakes,” They acknowledged.  

27 ”I appreciate that, God.  Not to try Your patience, of course, 28 but what if there were only 45?”

”If I find 45, even.” God had realized that Abraham was quite intent on ruining a good day of destruction.

29 ”And if only 40?”

“Even then, I would spare them, for you.”

30 Abraham knew he was pressing his luck, but he just couldn’t stop.  “And what if you can only find 30, or 20?”  31 God agreed to those counteroffers as well.  32 “Lord,” began Abraham warily, “what if there are only 10?”

God sighed.  “I will spare them all for 10 decent souls.”

33 After that God rejoined Their traveling companions.  Abraham went back to his tent.  

CHAPTER 19

1 The angels arrived in Sodom as daylight was waning.  When Lot spotted the newbies mulling about town, he approached them 2 to offer a bed for the night.  

“Come over to my place and clean yourselves up.  We can serve you supper.  You may continue on in the morning, as you please.”

“Oh, we’ll be fine sleeping in the town square,” said one.  

3 ”That is very likely a terrible plan,” countered Lot.  4 After they had supper that night, the angels found out why when a mob of rapists surrounded Lot’s home.
5 Even in the house they could make out the shouts from the crowd.  “Who are your new friends, Lot?”  “Bring them out to us!”  “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of those two!”  6 Lot, who had started to wonder why he lived in this town in the first place, stepped out to address the crowd.

7 ”Listen, friends,” he began.  “You don’t need to rape these two strangers.  8 You know me.  You have seen my virgin daughters.”  Lot ignored the sniggering from the mob.  “I will give you my children, but these men are houseguests and under my protection.”

9 The rapers were having none of it.  “Get out of the way!” shouted one.  “We’ll rape your ass, too, bitch!” came back another.  Then the crowd began to press in on Lot, threatening to break down the door.  10 The angels snatched him back inside just in the nick of time 11 and cursed the whole mob with blindness.  It dissipated fairly quickly after that.  

12 One of the angels turned to Lot.  “That was all wildly unnecessary,” he said, “but thank you, I guess.  Do you have anyone else in the city that you care to keep safe?  13 We are about to raze this whole place to the ground.”

14 Lot’s “virgin” daughters were engaged, so Lot did make an effort to gather each’s betrothed for the exodus.  Unfortunately, they thought Lot was just playing a prank.  They didn’t make it out of the city.  15 Lot and his family did, though, at dawn the next morning as the angels urged them on hurriedly.  16 When they weren’t moving fast enough, the angels grabbed the family up and saw them out of town themselves.  

17 ”Head for the mountain.  Do not stop in the valley, and do not look behind you.  It’s going to get ugly back here.   Don’t stop until you are safely away.” 

18 The angels’ instructions were simple enough, but Lot shared just enough of Abraham’s insubordination genes to argue the point.  19 ”I appreciate you taking time to spare my life, and that of my family,” said Lot.  “But the mountains… I don’t know, man.  The mountains are dangerous.  And it’s cold.  20 Can’t we just go live in that little village over there?”  He pointed towards the nearby town of Zoar.  

21 One of the angels was clearly getting annoyed, but he acquiesced.  “Fine.  22 I can change up my attack plan if I need to, but hurry.  I won’t even be able start raining down hellfire until you get safely inside somewhere.”  23 Lot and his family were just getting into the village as the sun broke free from the horizon.  

24 Back in the valley, Bartleby pronounced God’s judgement as Loki exhausted himself raining sulfur and fire down with precision on Sodom, Gamorrah, and the surrounding cities and villages (excepting Zoar, of course).  25 Every living thing from the cities was wiped out in the devastation.  26 The only member of Lot’s lot to not survive the destruction was his wife.  She ignored the angel’s advice to not look back on the decimation and was turned into salt for her foolishness.

27 When Abraham went out that morning, 28 he could see the plumes of smoke rising from the direction of Sodom.  He feared for his family, 29 but God had spared them, as Abraham had wished.  

30 Lot discovered pretty soon that he did not like Zoar quite so much as he thought he would, so he did take his daughters to live in the mountains--a move that went far more poorly than he ever thought it would.  31 The girls had been through a hell of a time, to be sure, what with their father offering them up to be rape trophies and their boyfriends, friends and neighbors all dying screaming in flames.  Nevertheless, it was an ill-conceived plan when they decided to fuck their own father.  

It was the older daughter that came up with the notion.  She saw pretty clearly that most of the men in the area had died horribly, and baby-fever was ramping up in her mind.  She knew that if they let it go too long, their father would be too old for babymaking (she hadn’t bothered to chat up Sarah about the situation).  32 ”If we get him drunk enough, Dad can get us pregnant,” she told her younger sister.  33 That night they got him drunk enough, and Lot’s oldest daughter had her way with him.  34 She celebrated her plan’s success that morning, so the next night they got him blitzed again.  35 This time it was the younger sister’s turn to rape her father.  The man was so sloshed he didn’t know what was happening.  

36 Less than a year later, Lot was a new father and a new grandfather twice-over.  37 His oldest daughter’s son, Moab, became the father of the nation of Moabites.  38 His youngest’s son was named Ben-Ammi, whose descendants were known as the Ammonites.  

CHAPTER 20

1 After a while, Abraham moved south and bounced around for a bit before finding himself in the kingdom of Gerar, 2 where once again Sarah found herself pretending to be her husband’s sister.  Abraham was never one to let a brilliant plan just sit on the shelf.  The King of Gerar, Abimalech, took a liking to this century old woman cavorting about his kingdom and sent his men to fetch her.  3 As the king dreamt that night, God popped into his head to chat about it.

“That Sarah.  She’s a looker, huh?”

Abimalech, who had never had a deity engage him in conversation before, smiled broadly.  

God was unamused. “She’s married to a friend of mine.  If you don’t send her back, I’ll kill you.”

4 Abimalech, who had never had a deity threaten his life directly before, frowned deeply. 5 “I thought that guy was her brother.  He said he was her brother.  SHE said he was her brother.”

6 “Yeah, I know,” said God. “That’s why I’m coming to you now, before you have your way with her.  Send her home. 7 Abraham’s a prophet and a good guy, and he’ll have your back, and I’ll have his back. Send his wife back home.  Or… Well, I’ll kill you.  Not just you.  A lot of people you’re responsible for, too.  Ones you like, mostly.”

8 Abimalech woke the next morning in a mad fright and called all his counselors together.  When he described to them what had happened, they were sore afraid, some for their lives, some for his sanity.  9 Then he summoned Abraham to the court. 

“I had a chat last night with your God, Who it seems is very cross with me.  What were you thinking, man?  I wouldn’t have had your wife taken.  What do you take me for? 10 Why in the world would you ever have said that?”

11 Abraham was a quick thinker. “I didn’t realize you knew my God, and you know, I mean, she’s very attractive.  I figured you’d definitely want her.  Which I was right about!  I didn’t want you to kill me and take her, 12 and… well, I mean, yeah, she’s my wife.  And… my sister.  Half-sister.  Same dad!  Go figure! But we’re married, that’s true.  I should have said something. 13 When we set out traveling, I just decided wherever we go, if I knew about a randy king or chieftain, we could just focus on the siblings aspect of our relationship when introducing ourselves, and less the spouses aspect, so as not to, well, get murdered.”

14 Abimalech just sighed and set about currying favor with this lunatic prophet, and his vengeful god, with gifts of slaves and livestock and, of course, Sarah’s return. 

15 “Live here as long as you wish,” the king decreed. 16 Then he turned to Sarah.  “I do apologize.  You see now I’ve paid your brother handsomely for your time, in lives and coin.  None of this was your fault. Do please forgive me.”  

17 Abraham nodded his approval and prayed that God would heal the women of King Abimalech’s household--wives, sisters, daughters, and servants-- 18 for they had been cursed with infertility for the entirety of Sarah’s captivity.  19 Abimalech had never noticed.

CHAPTER 21

1 As God had proclaimed, 2 Sarah soon became pregnant.  3 Isaac was born, 4 and just over a week later, Abraham had Isaac’s foreskin sliced off and removed, as God had commanded him. 5 Abraham was a century old on the day of the child’s birth.  

6 Sarah was giddy as a schoolgirl, inviting all who were near to join in her joy and her laughter. 7 “It’s a miracle,” she proclaimed.  “I never could believe it until it happened.” 

8 The new baby grew quickly, as babies tend to do, and on the day that he was weaned Abraham threw a great feast to celebrate the event.  9 During the feast, Sarah overheard Ishmael poking fun at his half-brother.  10 She flew into a rage and demanded that both Ishmael and Hagar be sent away from their home, 11 something that Abraham was a bit hesitant to do considering his part in Ishmael’s parentage.  

12 God came to counsel.  “Just do as your wife suggests.  It’ll make your home life easier, and besides I have always intended to honor your descendants through Isaac, being that he is the son of your actual wife.  13.  Fret not about the other boy, though.  He’s your son also, and so I shall ensure that his descendants also create a great nation.  

14 Abraham sent them off the next day, his wife’s handmaiden and their child together, with a bit of food and water to see them through some of the wilderness. Hagar and Ishmael wandered, not heading anywhere in particular, not having anywhere in particular to go.  

16 The provisions weren’t much.  Once they were gone, Hagar began to fear their fate.  One day, as her son was weakening, she left him in the shade of a bush and walked far enough away to grieve.  “I can’t watch my son die!” she cried.  And Ishmael cried.  So they wept together, as they wept apart from one another.  

17 God heard Ishmael’s cries from Heaven, and sent Hagar a message:  “Don’t be afraid.  Your son will live, if only you will go to him, 18 and he will father a great nation.” 19 God directed her eyes to a watering well just a short distance away.

She took her son some water, and the boy drank. 20 Then the boy grew, and developed his own relationship with God.  Ishmael was raised in the wilderness, becoming quite an accomplished bow hunter in the process.  21 Eventually he settled in the desert, and married a woman out of Egypt of whom his mother approved.  

22 While Ishmael was getting married in Paran, Abraham was hosting King Abimalech and Phicol, the king’s top general.  

“I know you are a man with the power of God behind you,” said the king.  23 “I pray you have no desire to overthrow me, or bring any harm down upon my people.  We are, and shall remain, friends.”  

24 “Of course,” Abraham answered. 25  “Though you should know that some of your soldiers tried to claim one of my wells not too long ago.”

26 “This is the first I’m hearing of such.”

27 So Abraham and Abimalech made up a treaty between the two of them and their subjects, and Abraham sealed it with a gift of livestock, 28 but he set aside seven ewes specifically.  

29 “What are these for?” asked the king.

30 “These I offer you under agreement that you recognize the watering well as mine.”

31 The king agreed and the well was renamed Beersheba, literally meaning “Oath Well.”  32 After the king and Phicol had left, 33 Abraham had a grove planted around the well. 34 He loved to go there and pray.  35 Abraham called that area his home for a long, long time.

CHAPTER 22

1 Some time later, God decided to test Abraham’s faith, just to see how it would go.  They summoned Abraham, who came immediately.  

2 “I know you love your remaining son,” God began.  “Kill him in offering to me.  Take him into the mountains, and I’ll pick out a good viewing spot to watch you burn him for me.  If you love me, of course.”

3 Abraham’s heart hung heavy, but he knew better than to question a literal god.  The next morning, he set out for the mountains of Moriah with his donkey, knife, wood for an offering altar, his remaining child, and a couple of slaves in tow. 4 They wandered through the mountains for three days before God made up Their mind about the spot.  When God pointed it out to Abraham, 5 he left the slaves to guard the goods and set out just the two of them, 6 a terrified man toting a knife and torch and his trusting son toting the wood for his own death pyre.

7 Isaac, not particularly a dummy, asked, “Why didn’t we bring a lamb for the offering?”

8 Abraham, not particularly proudly, answered, “God will provide us with the necessary sacrifice.”

9 They worked in silence once they reached the spot, building the altar and laying the wood, and when it was done, Abraham attacked his child on his God’s command and tied him down to the altar block.  10 Isaac struggled in terror as Abraham raised the knife.  11 An angel stopped him with a shout. 

“Abraham!  Abraham!”

“I’m here,” he answered, “as my God has commanded!”

12 “You don’t have to kill your kid!” the angel shouted, and Abraham lowered the knife.  “God just wanted to see if you’d do it.  They weren’t certain how much you feared Them.  God is very pleased with you, Abraham. You were really going to execute that boy.”

13 Then Abraham looked up and spotted a ram with its horns caught in a thicket.  He burned that in offering instead, grateful to keep his son. 14 He named the mountain Yahweh Provides, and to this day people often invoke the tale with each other by saying, “God provides for us on the mountain.

15 The angel came back to Abraham a second time. 16 “God really is quite pleased with you Abraham.  All those multitudes of descendants you were promised, but you didn’t hesitate for even a second when They asked you to murder your son.  17 Count the stars, if you can, and you won’t reach the number of your grandchildren.  Your lineage shall always vanquish their enemies 18 and be a blessing upon the world--because you were willing to murder your child for me.  I’ll never forget about this.”

19 With that, the entire party headed back to Beersheba, where Abraham made his home.  20 A while later, Abraham learned that his brother Nahor had fathered a whole gaggle of children himself, including eight through his wife Milka. 21 From oldest to youngest, they were: Huzz, Buzz, Kemmy (father of Arem), 22 Kelso, Hazzo, Pildash, Jidlaugh, and Betheul 23 (father of Rebekkah). 24 Nahor also fathered a quartet of kids off of his concubine, Reumy.  They were named Tebah, Graham, Thrash, and Maaka. It’s unclear if God ever asked Nahor to murder his children on a lark.

CHAPTER 23

1 Sarah was 127 years old when she died 2 while traveling through Hebron, in Canaan.  In his grief, 3 Abraham went before the rulers of the land, the people of Heth, 4 to purchase a plot of land for her burial. 5 The Hethites had a great deal of respect for Abraham and his household, considering him to be a prince among men, 6 so they offered him his choice of sepulchre, free of charge.

7 Abraham was appreciative of the gesture, but obstinate as ever. 8 He sent a message to Ephron, Zohar’s son, 9 that he wished to buy a cave at the far end of Ephron’s property to use as a burial plot for the family. 10 Ephron decreed publicly 11 that the cave, as well as the field it was found in, would all be set aside for Abraham as he wished. 

12 Abraham again cried off the gift. 13 He went before Ephron and explained that he would much prefer to purchase the land, making no question of his claim upon it.

14 “The value of the field and cave is at least 400 silver shillings, but it doesn’t mean that much to me.  You are welcome to have it in friendship,” 15 Ephron told him. 

16 Still, Abraham weighed out the specified amount, 17 and thus claimed the property 18 publicly.  19 There he buried Sarah, 20 and created a cemetary for his family near the land of the Hethites. 

CHAPTER 24

1 Abraham lived a long and blessed life, 2 and as he neared the end he began to grow concerned about how his family would continue after he had passed.  Abraham summoned his chief slave, a man who managed all of Abraham’s household affairs. 

“Come, and swear a sacred oath by my testicles,” Abraham said. 3 “Swear, on our God and my seed, that when you all begin to seek a wife for Isaac, that you will not choose a woman of Canaan. 4 We try to keep our marriages in the family, and I would prefer that he receive a wife from amongst my kinfolk back home.”

5 “As you wish,” the slave responded. “If I can’t find a woman who will come back with me, I’ll take Isaac there to find one for himself.”

6 Abraham started.  “No! Never, never! 7 God Themself will send ahead of you and find a willing woman to bring here, but Isaac is not to leave this land that God has promised our family. 8 If even an angel of God cannot find a bride for my son, then you will be released from your oath.”

9 So the slave grabbed hold of his master’s testicles and swore a solemn vow, as was their way. 10 Then he loaded ten camels with a whole plethora of goods and gifts before heading out for Mesopotamia, where Abraham’s family still dwelled. 11 He approached a watering well near the area just as the evening light began to wane.  There he paused to rest his camels and watch the women who came to draw water. 

12 The servant prayed to God, 13 “As the women come by, I will ask each in turn for a drink of water. 14 Whichever one offers water to not just me, but all of the camels as well--surely that would be the woman you have in mind for my master’s son.” 15 He had not even finished the prayer before he noticed Rebekkah, the stunning granddaughter of Abraham’s brother Nahor. 16 She was clearly still unmarried, and when she began to leave the well with her full basin, 17 Abraham’s slave begged a drink of the water off of her. 

18 Rebekkah smiled, obligingly.  “Of course!” she answered, 19 offering him his fill. 20 Then she immediately set about offering the camels their fill as well. 

21 The slave was amazed at how quickly God seemed to have answered his prayer. 22 He offered her some jewelry in recompense and thanks. 23 Then he asked, “Who are you?  Might your father’s house have space for a weary traveler this evening?”

24 “I am Rebekkah, daughter of Betheul.  My grandparents are Nahor and Milka. 25 I am reasonably certain that we can find space for you tonight, friend.”

26 He nodded gratefully.  27 Then he explained to Rebekkah that he came from the home of Nahor’s brother Abraham. 28 Upon hearing this news, the girl ran home to tell her family. 29 Rebekkah’s brother Laban 30 returned to the well to collect the slave and his animals. 31 Laban promised that they had plenty of room, 32 and saw to it that the man and the animals were all cleaned and had sleeping space. 33 Then supper was served, but the slave refused to eat before he had announced his intentions.

34 “I am a servant of Abraham, 35 a man of incredible wealth and blessings, 36 who has implored me to find a wife for his son and heir. 37 He made me swear that we would find his son, Isaac, a wife not from Canaan where we live, 38 but from among Abraham’s own family here. 39 I so swore, 40 and Abraham promised that God would find the right woman. 41 If one was not found, or if she or her family refused to allow her to return with me, then my oath would be void.  42 So today, I came upon the well outside of town, and 43 I asked God to offer me a sign of the right woman by 44 having her offer water to my camels when I asked for a drink for myself. 45 I had not even finished praying when I looked up and saw your sister, 46 who immediately did just that! 47 Then I asked her who her family was, and sure enough here was the granddaughter of my master’s own brother! I offered her some jewelry 48 and offered God my thanks. 49 So tell me now, have I come to the right place?”

50 Laban and his father listened patiently, then conferred. 51 They agreed that they could not reasonably turn away from such a request from God.  Rebekkah would return to Canaan to marry Isaac.  

52 The slave was ecstatic with thanks, 53 offering even more expensive gifts to the girl and her family.  54 They all shared a meal and the slave slept there that night.  The next morning as he prepared to go, 55 Laban and Milka were alarmed.  

“Let my daughter stay another week or two, please,” asked Milka. 

“Just ten more days,” Laban begged. 

56 “I would rather return to my master promptly, if that’s alright.  He is old, and God has fulfilled Their promise with haste.”

57 “We can let Rebekkah decide for herself,” Milka responded. 

58 Rebekkah, however, was happy and eager to be on her way 59 and so they decided to set out for Canaan that day. 60 As they were preparing to leave, the family blessed Rebekkah, calling out “You will be the mother of many millions, and your children will always vanquish their foes!” 61 Then they headed off.  

62 Isaac was in the southern area of the country 63 practicing his meditation when he saw the camels returning.  64 When Rebekkah saw Isaac, she leapt from her camel.  

65 “Is that who I think it is?” she asked the slave.  

“Indeed,” he responded.  “My master’s son, Isaac.”

Rebekkah took out her veil and covered her face.  

66 When they reached each other, the slave explained all that had happened. 67 Isaac and Rebekkah were married that very day, in Sarah’s own tent.  They grew to love each other dearly.

CHAPTER 25

1 Abraham’s second wife was a woman named Keturah, 2 who bore him a whole host of children.  These were Zimmy and Jok and Medan and Median and Ishbok and Shuah. 3 Jok had a few kids of his own, Sheba and Dedan--whose own descendants included Asshurim, pleasant and cheerful and decent; Letushim, very handy indeed; and Leummim, ever sociable. 4 Midian also produced some issue of note. Ephah and Epher were his, as well as Hanoch, and Abi and Ellie also. All of these people were of Abraham’s lineage through Keturah. 5 Yet on his death, Abraham left the entirety of his estate to Isaac, his son with Sarah.  

6 Oh, he handed off gifts aplenty to his other children, to be sure, even to the sons he’d had with his concubines, but in the end he sent them all far away to make their own fortune. It was easier like that. Away was where they could not easily attempt to claim his favorite son’s inheritance.

7 Abraham died aged 175 years, 8 surrounded by family and having lived a good, long life in the favor of his God. 9 Ishmael returned to the homestead to assist Isaac in burying their father. 10 They laid him in the plot he had purchased from Ephron, next to his beloved Sarah. 11 Then God turned Their favor upon Isaac. 

12 God never forgot about Ishmael, either. The son of Hagar fathered twelve sons of his own, from each of whom would spring a great nation. 13 Nebajoth came first, followed by Keddy and Abdeel and Midsam. 14 Then Mishma, then Dumah, then Massa happened along. 15 Haddy and Temmy weren’t far behind, and they were followed by Jet and Naphish.  Finally, Kedamah was born. 16 Twelve sons, whose names would be synonymous with civilizations, with palaces, with nations, 17 were born to Ishmael in his 137 years on this Earth. 18 He died surrounded by his beloved family.  

19 As for the lineage of Isaac, 20 well, he married Rebekkah at a youthful forty. 21 They asked God to bless them with children, and God did so indeed. 22 Rebekkah conceived twins who from the moment their feet formed delighted in kicking each other. 

She asked God, “Why don’t they stop kicking?”

23 “Yeah… They’re going to be some feisty ones…” answered God.  “These kids inside you are going to father nations, you know. They’ll be brothers, but they’ll scrape and fight with one another. And it might get messy. The eldest won’t necessarily be the strongest, nor the one in charge.”

24 The twins came out just fine. 25 Esau was first--screaming red, and hairy as could be.  26 Jacob followed quite literally on Esau’s heel, one hand wrapped around the top of his brother’s foot. The boys were born when Isaac was sixty years old. 

27 As they grew, the boys couldn’t have been more different. Esau was a great hunter, more comfortable in the forests and living off the land than on the homestead. Jacob enjoyed his household, and he preferred to live inside. 28 Isaac had a clear preference for his more woodsy son.  After a hunt, Esau often gifted his father with delicious slabs of meat. Rebekkah’s love was clearly more geared towards the younger twin, who spent more time at home with her. 

29 After one particularly exhausting hunting expedition, Esau came home faint with hunger to find Jacob cooking a pottage stew.  

30 “Dear brother, I’m so hungry. I’m weak with hunger! Give me a bowl of that beautiful red soup now!” Esau begged. He was so emphatic in his urgency, that his family called him Red for years thereafter.  

31 “You can have some,” Jacob smiled slyly, “when you give me your birthrights as eldest.”

32 “What good is a birthright if I die of hunger?” asked Red, who had always preferred the wilderness to the town.  

33 “Swear it,” demanded Jacob.

So Esau did just that, granting the younger brother the claim of the eldest, 34 and Jacob gave him some bread and his fill of red vegetable stew. When Esau finished, he stood up and walked away from his brother and his birthright alike.

CHAPTER 26

1 Famine was not an uncommon occurrence in those days.  During one particularly rough stretch, Isaac moved his household down into Gerar, where Abimalech’s reign continued unabated. 2 God had directed Isaac to avoid Egypt, sending him back along the path of his father.

3 “Perhaps you know about the promise I made to your father,” God told him. 4 “You are only the first of a multitude more numerous than the stars in the night sky.”  And this was before light pollution, understand. 5 God had great plans for his favorite, Abraham. 6 Isaac did as he was told. 

7 Now, Isaac was not terribly dissimilar to his father in temperament and intelligence, and he pulled a page out of the family playbook for his journey in Gerar: he made Rebekkah pretend to be his sister. 8 It worked about as well as it had the previous times. One day, the king chanced to look out a window and catch Isaac and Rebekkah in an intimate moment. Abimalech sighed, then summoned Isaac before the court.

9 “This again?” the king asked. “Why, why, why, why, why, WHY? I played this game with your father already.  What in God’s name, man?”

“I was afraid you would kill me to claim my wife!” Isaac explained 10 to a king who had heard it all before. 

Abimalech told Isaac, “I can’t believe I have to explain this again. You guys keep putting us in this incredibly awkward position.” 11 Then he made a very public decree of Isaac and Rebekkah’s relationship, ensuring their protection in the process. 

12 Isaac’s farmlands in Gerar that year were plenty blessed, 13 so his wealth and influence grew. 14 As he grew richer, so grew the jealousies and rages of his neighbors. 15 In a fit, the Philistines set about filling in and covering all of the wells that Abraham had dug in the area when he had passed through years earlier. 16 Eventually, Abimalech got involved.

“The fact is, you’re a foreigner here,” the king informed Isaac. “Now, you’re richer than all of your neighbors. It might be best if you gathered your people and went off elsewhere.”

17 Isaac did as the king had asked, relocating into the valleys near Gerar. 18 He also saw to it that each of his father’s wells were redug and fully functioning.

19 In the valleys, Isaac came into a dispute over the first well his servants dug. 20 Some herdsmen out of Gerar came upon the fresh water and claimed it as their own. Not wanting to go to war over the issue, Isaac simply named it the Well of Dispute and set his people to digging another. 21 This second well was likewise the site of some claimant drama, but Isaac shrugged, dubbed it the Well of Rancor, and 22 moved on once again. Isaac’s third well came under no conflict, so that one he called The Open Well.  

“Finally,” Isaac declared, “we have found a land where God will let us prosper.” 23 Then he set his homestead up near Beersheba, over The Oath Well his father had originally claimed. 24 God offered Isaac Their blessing over the land, 25 and Isaac built an altar to God right there. 

26 One day, King Abimalech came to visit, with Commander Phicol in tow as well as his friend and confidante, Ahuzzath.  

27 “What do you want?” Isaac inquired. “You kicked me out of your city, and I’ve made a decent home in this valley, where my father traveled before me. Now you show up at my door, but I was given to understand that we were not friends, Your Highness.”

28 Ahuzzath spoke first. “We may not have wanted you in our city, but we know full well that you have the favor of your God.”

“We wish to make a treaty,” Phicol interjected. “A peace contract.”

29 Then it was the king’s turn. “We never once harmed you, nor any of your house, when you dwelt in Gerar, not even when we were wishing you to move on. We would prefer it if you would offer us the same courtesy, as your blessings continue to increase.”

30 Isaac considered their request and granted it. They had a great feast to signify their friendship, 31 and Isaac sent them away the next morning with a sworn oath to peace. 

32 That very day, his servants found a new wellspring of fresh water, 33 where the city of Beersheba sits to this day.  

34 Isaac’s life there was going splendidly. Then Esau, sometime after his 40th birthday, went and got married. One woman wasn’t enough for Red, either, so he claimed two: Judith and Bashemath, both Hethite women. 35 Those gals became the bane of Isaac and Rebekkah’s existence.

CHAPTER 27

1 There came a day when Esau was summoned to his father’s bedside.  Age had claimed Isaac’s sight and his agility, but he knew he had duties to uphold before he passed.  

2 “I don’t know how long I have left, son,” the father began. 3  “I need you to attend an errand for me.  Go on a hunt, and bring me back some wild game for supper. 4 Cook it up just how I like it, and return to me, so that I may offer you the blessing of our house, according to your birthright. 

5 Rebekkah heard everything, sneaky broad that she was, and immediately set about undermining her ailing husband’s plans.  When Esau had headed out with his bow and a quiver full of arrows, she ran to her favorite son, Jacob, with her own plan in mind. 

6 “Your father has sent your brother out to hunt game, and when he returns 7 Esau is set to receive his familial blessing before God Themself. 8 Here’s what you’re going to do: 9 first, bring me a pair of kids from the herd. 10 I will cook them up precisely as your father desires, and when you bring it to him, his old, blind ass won’t know the difference. Do this, and you will be the one to receive the blessing.”

11 Jacob objected immediately.  Not out of moral concern, of course (Jacob wanted that blessing, by God), but fear that his father might at some point actually touch him. 12 The physical difference between Isaac’s rugged, hair covered eldest boy and the smooth skinned younger would be enough to give up the game, sight or no sight.  Jacob knew that would certainly mean receiving his father’s curse rather than his blessing. 

13 “The curse will be mine,” Rebekkah assured him. “Now, go.  Do as I bid you.”

14 So Jacob and Rebekkah set about to play Isaac for a fool.  15 She dressed her son up in his brother’s dirty clothes, 16 and used the skins from the goats Jacob brought her to craft costuming pieces that could approximate Esau’s hairy neck, arms, and hands. 17 She cooked the meat up just as Isaac preferred it, with fresh bread and wine to wash it down. 

18 Jacob approached his father boldly, if a little afraid. 19 “It is Esau, father,” he announced in his very best big brother voice. “I’ve returned with the meal you requested, to receive your blessing.” 

20 Isaac crinkled his nose.  “How have you returned so quickly?” he asked. 

“God provided the game,” Jacob lied easily.  

21 “Come closer, son.”

22 Jacob came, cautiously optimistic as his father felt the goat’s hair along his arms.  

“You sounded like your brother for a moment there,” 23 Isaac chuckled. 24 “It is really you, isn’t it, Esau?”

“Of course,” said Jacob. 

25 “Then let me eat what you have brought me.” 

When Isaac had his fill of kid and wine, 26 he pulled Jacob down for a kiss 27 and smelled the musk of Esau in the eldest son’s clothing.  

28 “Take this blessing from the Lord our God, my son,” began the duped father. “The earth will bless you with plenty.  Your crops will grow and your wealth with it. 29 You shall be the head of this family, and all of your parents’ children will serve you.  Nations will kneel before you. Your enemies will be cursed and your allies will be blessed. Take this gift of God from your father.”

30 His ruse successful, Jacob took his leave quickly. The trickster had not been gone from their father’s presence long when Esau returned with his quarry. 31 He cooked it up right and bounded to Isaac’s room to rouse him.  

32 “Who’s there?” Isaac asked, still full and drowsy from his previous visit. 

“It’s Esau,” came the voice of Isaac’s eldest son. “I’ve brought you this meal, as requested.”

33 As his youngest son’s trickery dawned on him, Isaac became so enraged he started shaking. “I’ve been fooled!” he cried out. “The blessing of our house has already been given!”

34 Esau’s rage rose to match that of his father.

35 Isaac declared, “Your brother did this, have no doubt.”

36 “Jacob,” Esau spat.  “Jacob heel-grabber.” He’s stolen from me for the last time, he thought.  “Is there anything left for me, father, your true heir?”

37 “I have given him everything. I have given him you to have as a servant. I’m sorry, my son. Jacob will be your master.”

38 Esau’s voice cracked and his eyes welled up with tears as he begged his father for anything, just some small blessing to offer him and his. 39 Isaac drew his eldest son close.

“I cannot offer you wealth or abundance. 40 You must serve your brother, and raise your arms for him, but eventually the time will come when you may free yourself from his bondage.”

41 After that day, the relationship between Esau and Jacob became increasingly strained, as Esau’s anger blossomed into hatred. Eventually he decided that the younger twin would pay for his deceptions with his life.  Isaac was nearing death himself, so Esau bided his time.  After their father died, Jacob would soon enough die as well. 

42 Rebekkah understood that Esau had murder in his heart for her favorite child, 43 so she warned Jacob to make his way to her brother’s home. 44 She knew 45 that Esau was hot-headed and angry enough to make a rash decision, but she also knew that he had a good, loving heart. He will forgive his brother in time, she thought. 46 She told Isaac she had sent Jacob away to find a decent wife. Rebekkah’s disdain for the local women was well known to her husband.

CHAPTER 28

1 Isaac swallowed his anger at his younger son and, at Rebekkah’s urging, offered his blessing as 2 Jacob traveled to Padanaram to choose a bride from among his mother’s people. 3 “Take your blessing and find a suitable wife,” Isaac implored. 4 “Be fruitful and multiply, as God commands, and take the blessing of my father Abraham upon you.” 5 This was how Jacob came to live in Padanaram, in the house of Laban, Rebekkah’s brother.  

6 Esau, still at home and desperate for his father’s approval, 7 knew that Jacob had been sent away mostly to avoid his brother’s wrath-- 8 but he also knew that his parents’ collective dislike for the women of Canaan was deeply felt. 9 With that in mind, Esau approached his uncle, Ishmael, and asked for his daughter’s hand in marriage.  The marriage was approved and Mahalath became Esau’s third wife. 

10 Jacob’s journey to Harran, where Laban lived, was relatively smooth for such a lengthy trip.  11 One night, he laid out under the stars with a rock behind his head and fell into a vivid dream. 12 In it, he could see a stairwell rife with angelic beings that stretched between Heaven and Earth. 13 At the top of steps, stood God, speaking to Jacob as They had often spoken to Isaac and Abraham before him. 14 “Your descendants will number multitudes,” God promised. “They’ll be as numerous as particles of dust in this world. And I will have your back, have no fear. 15 No matter where you go, Jacob, you are under my protection. We’re gonna be good friends, you and me.”

16 When Jacob started awake, he knew that God was still with him. 17 The awesomeness of the revelation had given him a bit of a fright, but Jacob trusted in the power of God. 18 He pulled up the rock he had been sleeping against, anointing it with oil and placing it as a pillar. 19 He called that place Bethel (though the locals referred to it as Luz). 

20 “God, if you’ll keep me safe, 21 see me through my journey and get me home again, 22 then I will make this pillar the first stone of your own house, and offer you back a tenth of everything with which I am blessed,” Jacob promised the Lord.

-to be continued-